Mellowing Out

So, the countdown is nearing it's final days! Jessica's wedding is exactly 8 days away!!! Oh my gosh! May 29th is the happy occasion and we are scrambling to get the last details taken care of. Fun, but a little stressful. I'd like to give a shout out to Sammie-ah who is amazing and has pulled a large amount of this wedding together and to RJ's grandma who has rallied his side of the fam, and to RJ's step-dad for BBQing the pork loins!!! YUM! And to our parents (Dad & Mom Boucher) for helping with whatever they can to make this day special for Jess and her man =)

In the last few months (since being off my meds), I have evened out a little bit. I have figured out (mostly) how to manage my anxiety and anger issues, and I have even learned that if I go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then get some exercise throughout the day, my anxiety and anger are much more manageable or even non-existent for the day! Partial success is still something to celebrate. When anxiety is down, so too is the drive to smoke =)

I want to begin each day this week by getting up at 3:45am, walking or running for a half hour, taking a quick shower, and then getting dressed for the day before I work at 5am each morning. I then will be going to bed at no later than 8:45pm, but HOPEFULLY I will be able to convince my hubby to put the girls to bed (if it is around 8:30pm that they go to bed) and I will be able to go to bed at 8pm =) I would LOVE that!!!

Anyway, my goal in starting an exercise routine is that (along with firming and toning my body and getting into better physical shape that way), I'll be able to decrease the "need" for cigarette intake. I'm not fully on board with quitting, yet, but I know that is the direction I want to take. I suppose that means that this blog will be for other things for awhile =P Never fear, the original goal is still here (just pushed back a little). 

Until next time, lovely readers, peace be with you. May God make His face shine upon you and guide you and keep you all the days of your life! Amen!

Lame

So much for writing once a day, or even once a week! I've been lame lately!!!

I recently started reading another one of Francine Rivers' amazing books (LOVE her!). About three days ago, I started reading A Lineage of Grace, which is about five different women in the Bible who altered history (out of unlikely circumstances) and were amazing women of God. The stories are those of Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. I have read the first two, and I'm in the process of reading the story of Ruth. I never really knew the story of Tamar and although I'm sure there are things added to her story than what is in the Bible, it was very interesting to read a story about a sort of "small" character from the Bible and her influence on history. 

All of the women in the book are directly in the line of Jesus Christ. All of them were unlikely heroines of their time. God is so amazing to use the lowly (like me) to affect the world.

As for not smoking anymore, I have yet to accomplish that. I have decided not to attempt to quit smoking until after I have my meds figured out. I've been kind of an emotional wreck enough as it is. I have made a doctor's appointment for May 31st. It's strange to have an appointment with a doctor! I have not been to see a regular family doctor in over three years. I suppose that I just assume whatever is going on will work itself out (physically speaking). However, I do not mess around with my mental health. 

Anyway, lame as all that is (except the book, of course) and as lame as I have been lately, that's my story.

How NOT to...

So, I decided that as a fun little twist, I'm going to blog today about how NOT to quit smoking. Fun, eh?!

First, there are several things that perpetuate smoking, and a few things that completely hinder the quitting process. Here are some of the main ones:

How NOT to Quit Smoking

1. Make excuses about why you smoke

2. Come up with reasons that you feel you need to smoke

3. Examine how unfair it is that other people smoke, while you have to quit

4. Drink your morning coffee outside where you usually smoke

5. Drink yummy alcoholic beverages... and wander outside

6. Hang out with people who smoke, and who have no intention of quitting... and who smoke regularly in front of you

7. Don't pay any attention to self-care so that you are in a constant state of frazzled confusion/anxiety

8. Don't take anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication (or the proper dose of medication) so that stress levels are irregularly high to begin with

9. Repeat steps 1 through 8 continually

I guarantee that if you follow those 9 steps to a T, you will never quit smoking. Viola! 

Starting Over

Well, the road to giving up an addiction is never easy, filled with set backs and temptations. Here I am, starting over on my journey to quit smoking.

Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine that threatened to undo me. My head hurt so badly that I threw up half the day, and slept a lot. I have not felt that terrible in almost a decade. Even my morning sickness was not that bad, because I did not have the white fiery pain ripping through my skull with morning sickness. Migraines are horrid. I've only had two migraines in my entire life and I do not hope to ever experience that again.

I took a few drags off of a cigarette yesterday. This morning, I smoked a few drags on a cigarette and felt sick. So, I figure this is a good starting over point. I don't have a pack of my own, and there are no smokers around. Although, the way I'm feeling today - stomach and head tender with recovery - I doubt that I'd be up for smoking so much anyway. It's time to quit. It's time to be done with that garbage. I have so many more wonderful things to focus on. I doubt I'll be smoking any more today, but I'll keep you posted, of course.

Tonight and tomorrow morning, I am attending a writer's workshop with my Grandma Gail. I'm SO excited to be going! Yay!

The end of the day - Conclusion. I broke down and bought a pack today; smoked three cigarettes and all three of them made me feel nauseous. Not pleasant.  So... ugh! The cycle continues. I think three a day will be my max for a week, and then when this pack runs out (pray, pray, pray), that will be the end. It's a disgusting habit. I don't know, I may just give this pack away to someone. God, give me strength to let go of coping behaviors, and hold on to You!

Sunday - Day 10

Today was... lazy and hectic at once.

I worked 6am to 7am and then the girls and I, along with my Jess and Sasha, went to church. I had to rush out of church kind of at the end because I worked 1pm to 3pm. Church was wonderfully strange today. It was as if I was seeing everything for the first time; the pastor, the building, the people I have seen each week for the last five and a half years. The music washed through me, everything feeling clean and renewing. It was delightful and awe inspiring and refreshing.... also different.

After work, we just hung out around the house. Catherine has a fever =( Poor girl. She laid on the couch all evening and barely ate anything. Pray she gets better soon. Her doctor told us that she will likely get a fever with most viral infections she has, whether they are serious or not. So, thus is life. She is in an okay mood for not feeling well, though.

Good night, all.

Days 7, 8, 9....

So, I've been seriously slacking and pathetic in my attempts to quit smoking this entire week! Pretty much since the fourth day! Epic fail on my part.

I now need to dust myself off and regroup. I need God's mighty strength and courage. I like what my friend Meagan Payne said on FB about giving myself grace and having a movie day for the girls =P Sounds good to me!

Well, I'll be starting out tomorrow with a renewed sense of purpose on quitting. I've been feeling a little lost and sad today. I'm not sure why, cannot identify a source or reason. Church is tomorrow, though, and that always helps.

Good night, world.

Days 5 & 6 (Tuesday & Wednesday)

The long and the short of it all

So, today (Wednesday) and yesterday are full of stuff. Yesterday, Sasha, Sammie, and I went to Clackamas to shop for Bachelorette Party stuff for the party that is tonight. I have been hanging around smokers and have been feeling anxious. I also had a drink last night, and we will be having a few drinks today (nothing crazy, though). I did decide to relax my efforts to quit smoking for today. I know that, with eight other smokers in the house, it will be a difficult and probably anxiety inducing endeavor for today. I'm going to start back tomorrow with determination and vigilance in the process. I have decided to cut back to three a day for a few days, and then two a day, one a day, and none! =)

Today is Jessie's bachelorette party!!! Yay! I'm SOOOO excited!!!!!! I can't believe she's getting married!