How NOT to...

So, I decided that as a fun little twist, I'm going to blog today about how NOT to quit smoking. Fun, eh?!

First, there are several things that perpetuate smoking, and a few things that completely hinder the quitting process. Here are some of the main ones:

How NOT to Quit Smoking

1. Make excuses about why you smoke

2. Come up with reasons that you feel you need to smoke

3. Examine how unfair it is that other people smoke, while you have to quit

4. Drink your morning coffee outside where you usually smoke

5. Drink yummy alcoholic beverages... and wander outside

6. Hang out with people who smoke, and who have no intention of quitting... and who smoke regularly in front of you

7. Don't pay any attention to self-care so that you are in a constant state of frazzled confusion/anxiety

8. Don't take anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication (or the proper dose of medication) so that stress levels are irregularly high to begin with

9. Repeat steps 1 through 8 continually

I guarantee that if you follow those 9 steps to a T, you will never quit smoking. Viola! 

Starting Over

Well, the road to giving up an addiction is never easy, filled with set backs and temptations. Here I am, starting over on my journey to quit smoking.

Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine that threatened to undo me. My head hurt so badly that I threw up half the day, and slept a lot. I have not felt that terrible in almost a decade. Even my morning sickness was not that bad, because I did not have the white fiery pain ripping through my skull with morning sickness. Migraines are horrid. I've only had two migraines in my entire life and I do not hope to ever experience that again.

I took a few drags off of a cigarette yesterday. This morning, I smoked a few drags on a cigarette and felt sick. So, I figure this is a good starting over point. I don't have a pack of my own, and there are no smokers around. Although, the way I'm feeling today - stomach and head tender with recovery - I doubt that I'd be up for smoking so much anyway. It's time to quit. It's time to be done with that garbage. I have so many more wonderful things to focus on. I doubt I'll be smoking any more today, but I'll keep you posted, of course.

Tonight and tomorrow morning, I am attending a writer's workshop with my Grandma Gail. I'm SO excited to be going! Yay!

The end of the day - Conclusion. I broke down and bought a pack today; smoked three cigarettes and all three of them made me feel nauseous. Not pleasant.  So... ugh! The cycle continues. I think three a day will be my max for a week, and then when this pack runs out (pray, pray, pray), that will be the end. It's a disgusting habit. I don't know, I may just give this pack away to someone. God, give me strength to let go of coping behaviors, and hold on to You!

Sunday - Day 10

Today was... lazy and hectic at once.

I worked 6am to 7am and then the girls and I, along with my Jess and Sasha, went to church. I had to rush out of church kind of at the end because I worked 1pm to 3pm. Church was wonderfully strange today. It was as if I was seeing everything for the first time; the pastor, the building, the people I have seen each week for the last five and a half years. The music washed through me, everything feeling clean and renewing. It was delightful and awe inspiring and refreshing.... also different.

After work, we just hung out around the house. Catherine has a fever =( Poor girl. She laid on the couch all evening and barely ate anything. Pray she gets better soon. Her doctor told us that she will likely get a fever with most viral infections she has, whether they are serious or not. So, thus is life. She is in an okay mood for not feeling well, though.

Good night, all.

Days 7, 8, 9....

So, I've been seriously slacking and pathetic in my attempts to quit smoking this entire week! Pretty much since the fourth day! Epic fail on my part.

I now need to dust myself off and regroup. I need God's mighty strength and courage. I like what my friend Meagan Payne said on FB about giving myself grace and having a movie day for the girls =P Sounds good to me!

Well, I'll be starting out tomorrow with a renewed sense of purpose on quitting. I've been feeling a little lost and sad today. I'm not sure why, cannot identify a source or reason. Church is tomorrow, though, and that always helps.

Good night, world.

Days 5 & 6 (Tuesday & Wednesday)

The long and the short of it all

So, today (Wednesday) and yesterday are full of stuff. Yesterday, Sasha, Sammie, and I went to Clackamas to shop for Bachelorette Party stuff for the party that is tonight. I have been hanging around smokers and have been feeling anxious. I also had a drink last night, and we will be having a few drinks today (nothing crazy, though). I did decide to relax my efforts to quit smoking for today. I know that, with eight other smokers in the house, it will be a difficult and probably anxiety inducing endeavor for today. I'm going to start back tomorrow with determination and vigilance in the process. I have decided to cut back to three a day for a few days, and then two a day, one a day, and none! =)

Today is Jessie's bachelorette party!!! Yay! I'm SOOOO excited!!!!!! I can't believe she's getting married!

Day 4

AM - Intro to the day
Structure and Self-care are my weak points. I need to implement structure and build in self-care to every day. I have found that I either don't allow myself any time or care, or I go through my melancholy days and completely numb out by reading books. No good. So, I need to figure out a structure that works for me. I'm open to suggestions.

I know that it will be different, maybe easier, when Catherine starts school because everything will be structured around her day. I hope I can hold it together for them until then =P My poor girlies.

PM - The day's update

I smoked six cigarettes today =( Darn it. Still have not set a schedule in place. I feel like I'm in limbo right now with all the house stuff and packing. Plus, plan a bachelorette party and helping plan a wedding. All exciting, but hectic things going on. Welcome to my crazy, silly life =P

Day 3 - Oh gee...

Many of you may not know that I participated in a sex/love addiction group for about a year, going through the newly written materials on the subject with Diane Roberts (co-founder of Pure Desire, International). Upon completing the materials, Diane and another gal have begun writing a new book for teen girls on sex/love addiction with which I am helping.

Part of my contribution (along with helping with edits and brain-storming main points), is giving my testimony of my journey and writing out my story that may possibly be used as a thread story throughout the book (not positive yet how it will be worked in). Today, I'm writing a chunk of that testimony, which I began this morning; and I am feeling very agitated and anxious today. I'll need some prayers for not smoking up a storm! I've been through counseling, classes, and small groups to help with healing and I have come a long way, but the story I'm writing isn't always a happy one and is full of triggers to my addictions (including smoking cigarettes). So, prayers are very welcome and appreciated! I'll write more tonight on my progress and how the day went.

PM Update: Okay, so... no good. The day went alright. Nothing major happened. However, I spent the day wading around in this anxious sadness that I have no reason for. I cannot explain why or what caused it. I had that and the fact that two of my girlfriends are here who both smoke to set me off. I smoked 6 cigarettes today =( Sad panda. I know that I will for sure be smoking on Wednesday, as it is my sister's bachelorette party that evening and we'll be having a few drinks. BUT it's at my house and not at a bar so there are really no other dangers other than smoking some cigarettes (haha).

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and well wishes and support. Keep 'em comin'! =) Prayer does help, I know. I bid you adieu until tomorrow.

Day 2

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him."
--Eleanor Roosevelt.

I start Day 2 off with a quote, wise in it's reflections and correct in supposition. It especially rings true with respect to creating new habits and quitting old ones. The letting go of a coping behavior is always a fearful process and requires at least a bit of introspection. Why is it that I feel I want to smoke a cigarette? I know that addiction plays its part, but what got me started? Hmmm... brain food for the day...

Through journal writing, I have pondered the reasons I smoke and my reasons for quitting, which are as follows:

Reasons I smoke
-To get a break from the chaos and noise of my children throughout the day
(I'm realizing that self-care is seriously lacking in my daily life!)
-To be outside (I'm missing the outdoors)
-Socially (I have a few really close friends who smoke)
-Addiction does play a part in my habit, as well as habit (haha)
-The feeling of rebellious independence in the choice to smoke against better judgment and the urgings of so many others (all of whom I respect and love).

Reasons to quit
-My health
-To be a good example for my girls
-To help Brandon not to smoke and for his health
-I'll smell better and my teeth will not be tarnished
-To save money
-I won't have to hear people harass me about the evils of smoking anymore

Thus have my musings led me today. I have smoked 3 cigarettes today. Not the best, but far better than 10! I'm still focused on not smoking. The frustrating thing is that if you focus on NOT doing something, you'll be thinking of the very thing you do not want to do. So... I need to figure out something to think of INSTEAD of smoking... Any suggestions? My ideas are: cleaning, reading, exercising, or playing a quick game with the girls. What say you, reader?

Day I

I am going to post the day's events in a short blog at the end of each day (or the very beginning of the next) to chronicle my misadventures (haha). Today is Saturday, April 9, 2011 - dia numero uno (Day number 1). 

... And so... it begins...

Today was... interesting. My throat ached, and whether it was from the habit of smoking, or from the sudden cessation of it, I know not.  I did smoke the equivalent of one cigarette (having smoked half of two with Jessie) in the morning (not all at once). I also shared a cigarette with her before bed. However, two cigarettes in a day is a far cry from half a pack! I consider today as being quite better than I had expected. I was tempted more than once to venture to the little market a block away and purchase a pack. I resisted, and am rewarded with knowing that I seriously diminished my intake for the day.

Nothing majorly eventful happened today.  Jess and RJ, who had spent the night last night, went to McMinnville to visit his family. The girls and I spent a nice day at home. We did see Auntie and Steve upon an errand to fetch her sewing machine so that I may borrow it for awhile. Other than that, we were at home, and it was mostly relaxing and calm (as calm as a place can be with two energetic girls - hee hee).

Day one - done.

What's this all aboot?

I have reached a point of exhaustion in regards to being griped at for the many evils of smoking cigarettes. I am going to quit. As a way to keep myself accountable, I am going to do a short daily blog about my progress on the matter. I beg your mercy on my weak will and ask you not to be too hard upon me if (or when) I slip up. Just be sure that my goal is in mind (cigarette free living) and as an arrow is directed at its target, so shall I be.

Another goal of mine is to eat healthier and exercise, and save money. I am sounding like a poor New Years Resolution cliche, here! This is my EPIC journey of getting healthier and saving money. I'll probably sprinkle in some adventures in home remodeling and gardening, as well.  (Especially since we have an accepted offer on a home! Yay!)

In short, this is a blog about a woman and her family. These are my travels and trials on the road to improvement and doing life with integrity and zeal! I pray my writing isn't boring, and will teach me something along the way (maybe inspire you, the reader, as well).

Happy reading!